What Happened to Bathroom Etiquette?

I walked into a Wal-mart bathroom a few days ago just ahead of another man. Upon enterning I discovered two open urinals - one at the normal height and the other made for the seven dwarfs. Naturally, because I am 6'2", I chose the normal urinal and began my task at hand (ALL pun intended). The gentleman to my rear was left with the mini-urinal or a stall. Now comes question #1 - do you pee next to another man or do you chose the stall. Easy answer, you chose the stall; it is better to make a mess than to rub shoulders with a man holding his unit. Not in my case however; Mr. just-as-tall and just-as-wide as me decided to snuggle up. Then he does the unthinkable - HE TALKED!

"Thanks for leaving me the short one, buddy!"

That was the last straw; eyes on your own equipment and shut the pie-hole. Rule #2 - Don't talk at the urinal. This is the cardinal rule of the bathroom; every man knows that the flow stops when converation begins. In an effort to divert the situation and get the guy to shutup, I calmly said,

"Take it as a compliment, pal."

Know that I have complimented his package, I was sure that he would keep to himself thinking about the success of his manhood. But NO, he had to continue the friendly Wal-mart conversation.

"I couldn't hit the floor if I was laying face dawn." Chuckle, chuckle.

This guy is a complete bathroom bonehead. Rule #3 broken - don't talk about you size to a complete stranger, especially when you are in the bathroom and hose in hand. Needless to say, I zipped and ran.

So let me restate the rules.

Rule #1 - Don't take care of business right next to someone else unless there is nothing else open (and even that is iffy). I didn't need to see the cowboy boots of the guy next to me when I was fighting "the motts" and barfing in the movie theatre after a bad Mexican meal. His "son, are you okay" comment didn't help. Just imagine where Sen. Craig wouid be if he followed the buffer rule.

Rule #2 - NEVER, ever talk to anyone in the bathroom when the equipment is in use. Chit-chat at the sink is okay, but make sure the zipper is up. My dad was driving in a blizzard when he pulled over to take a leak in a truck stop. He chose a suitable urinal and began the waiting game (he is 63 and at times it takes awile). A large trucker enters the large bathroom (many urinals) and breaks Rule #1 by beginning his version of the waiting game shoulder to shoulder with my pops. Sure enough he breaks Rule #2 by saying calmly to my dad,

"Nice weener, huh!"

What the hell did you say, my dad thought. "Excuse me?"

"Nice weener. Don't you think?"

Well hell yes I think it is a nice weener. It has served me well, but keep to yourself. "I beg your pardon. I a bit hard of hearing."

"With all the snow this season, nice winter. I hope it lasts."

Oh, nice WINTER! You need to do something about the accent before it gets you killed. "Yeah buddy, great snow." ZIP and exit.

Rule #3 - Don't talk about your size in front of a complete stranger. I already know you are ugly; I don't need to know that you have a small tally-wacker as well. The less we all know about your size, the better; keep the zipper down in public.

Lastly, these rules are not just American; they are international. My father-in-law was enjoying a nice trip to Mexico when he took on some bad water. He found himself in the bathroom taking care of some spicy motts mixed with melodious gas. After a large and ground-shaking fart he heard from the next stall, "BUENO!" At least the Mexicans appreciate good gas.

Please remember the rules the next time you go to Wal-mart or I'm liable to kick your butt, zipper down and all.